Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
