my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
