I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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