i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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