I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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