I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
