Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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