this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
