So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
