I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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