I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
