you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Randomize
