I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
