apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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