i already hear my dad disowning me
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
