What a fucking waste of an outfit
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
