Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
