I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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