I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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