i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
