Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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