Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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