hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
