That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
