I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
