My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
