Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
