God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
