Barsexuality is the new black.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
