I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
