I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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