She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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