It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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