I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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