So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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