its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
