I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
