I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
