They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
