i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
