i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
