Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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