Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
