walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
