Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i would one night stand the shit outta him
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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