I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
