Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
