Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Randomize
