How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
