"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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